Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Spam, Spam, Spam, Elvis and Spam

Who orders an Elvis at 9 in the morning? While it’s true that I’ve told many – and even advertised – that I’ll give them an Elvis at “any time” and “any place”, I never really expect people to make me prove my word. But, this morning, I had to do just that. Somebody knew a good friend of mine who, in turn, knew I did this as a side business and passed it on to her sister who had a husband who was celebrating his 31st birthday by having an all-meat breakfast. Apparently, Elvis goes down real nice with bacon, bacon and more bacon.

Once I finally located the house, all tucked up above the zoo and inside the mountains (i.e. it’s where the very rich in the valley reside), I was able to present myself and sing. My throat had woken up somewhere along the way and it was show time. It’s interesting singing songs like “All Shook Up” and “Love Me” to a man. I wonder if Elvis ever had to do the same thing – dedicate one of his songs to the other sex – and I wonder if he just changed up lyrics to make things more appropriate as he went along. Since I’m not that quick, I didn’t. The best I could do was change “Blue Christmas” to past tense when it got requested. “I had a blue Chrissmas without yooooou …” and so on. They didn’t seem to mind so much.

The mom, dad, sisters and birthday boy totally dug it. They even sang along and laughed and shot photos like it was paparazzi time. The kids in the room, however, were totally freaked out. They stared with blank, borderline scared right out of their skin expressions. This does not bode well for a future generation of Elvis lovers.

When I’d finally got four-and-a-half songs out (and my throat had started to seize up in dryness), I retreated to my car, check in hand. They tipped. This made me happy. I also recognized that the check read “Office of the Seventy” on its return address. This made me curious enough to do some searching on the Web once I got home. Names matched up. So, of this much I am certain: I pelvic thrusted in front of a General Authority. That’s a first for me. I believe I have boldly gone where no man has gone before me. Yikes.

Other firsts? Well, I’ve been doing this for a number of years now, always managing to make it in and out of my apartment without anybody else seeing me. I’m fairly incognito and I’ve enjoyed that bit of secrecy. I’m like Bruce Wayne in his batcape. Today, however, that all changed. I got spotted. Twice.

After parking and trying to escape into my building, someone came down the elevator, opening the other side of the door just as I was about to do so. When the middle-aged woman saw me on the other side, her immediate reaction was to scream – which she did – only to follow it up, “Oh, you’re just so cuuute!” before walking to her car. I saved my laughing until I got in the elevator.

When I got to my door, fumbling with the deadbolt, three more people entered the hallway, all eyes on me. The one on the cell phone paid me no mind. I slipped inside before they ambled over towards me, only to hear “Was that a normal person?” get asked. A quick peephole check revealed them looking back several times at my door. Nobody ever roams these halls, seriously. Ah, well. It was bound to happen sometime, right?

I don’t usually have two Elvisgrams to deliver in one day (barring Valentines), but I do have another to pass on later on this afternoon. More adventures, coming right up. It’s the least I can do.





Oh, and this just in. I wanted to make certain that I was singing for a GA. It's been confirmed, care of his daughter, who started the ball rolling in the first place. Read a bit of her message for yourself:

"Yeah, my dad is a Seventy, and is currently wondering aloud whether you accept church audiences. GET THIS: My mom has to plan a luncheon for all the GA wives (Iike ALL of them), and she wants to bring Elvis, and Dad is all for it. I'm assuming that would be a first."

If and when that takes place, my stepdad advised I ask someone if I can get my Book 'o Mormon back.



13 comments:

bestsariah said...

We're all quite impressed. (There are other people here. I don't refer to myself as more than one.)
I hope you get to do the luncheon and that Hinckley stops by.

ZLB said...

I'll be really impressed when you are the soloist with Mo-Tab next conference!

Hot Bawden said...

Why be ashamed of the Elvis suit?? Wear it proud!! Great Job yesterday...they loved it! I'm pretty sure that this landed me the favorite child award. Thanks again!

ewesa said...

the wig looks fabulous! tell me, is it a new one?

Dainon said...

No new wig. Just re-styled. It'll last me a-thousand more gigs, easy.

Ed said...

Your a good man, and, thank goodness, NOT a normal one! Normalcy is a tragic epidemic in our world. We must save the children!

Laurie said...

Elvis at Christmas... why, that's a dream come true in my book!

That story was hilarious!! The most amusing things happen to you, Dainon, I swear it.

ewesa said...

whoa ed is online! yay!

Kipluck aka: BethAnn, Bob, Mayberry said...

General Authorities... Elvis... Pelvises... I have very odd pictures in my head right now.

Sherpa said...

Um, yeah. You SO made my quote of the day.

erinannie said...

just found your blog, courtesy of sherpa's quote of the day.
love it.

k8 said...

hold up-was the daughter a girl with the initials B.C. by any chance?

Dainon said...

Yes, I believe you're right on there, Katie. As for who the GA in question was, well, he had a single initial as his first name. That narrows it down, doesn't it?