Tuesday, February 20, 2007

The Miracle of Two.

I can’t believe I just watched an hour of American Idol, but I accidentally did. I can’t believe I took my old trusty cell phone with me to the hot tub last night, then promptly forgetting it was in my pocket until I was mostly submerged, but I did that, too (it’s re-cooperating, but I think it’ll pull through). I can’t even believe I’m still not over my jet lag after nearly a week, but I’m not. It’s still hanging on like an unwelcome guest.

I woke up at 3:30 this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep – and ended up enjoying a rare morning at the office as the first one to arrive there. That’s never happened to me before. At 7 o’ clock, they’ve yet to turn on the lights. The building is slowly lit up by the crawl of the sunrise instead. It’s actually quite peaceful to write by the glow of the sun’s rays versus the halogens. Words tend to come easier.

But that’s not necessarily where my brain is this evening. What is, then, is marriage. I’m not sure they’re profound thoughts, but they’re nevertheless swarming around and trying to figure themselves out in my head. One of the overriding themes seems to be that I can’t believe two people ever actually decide to tie the knot. Deciding to take on that mindset and that desire is one thing, but that’s just a beginning. I mean, dating is hard enough. After about 17 years of that racket, I can attest to that. And relationships are up and down more than toilet seats. But to actually decide you want to love and care for a person, sacrificing many of your wants and desires for them – well, that’s just a small part of it. For her to actually want to respond in kind, however, is nothing short of a miracle. If she responds in a positive way, I guess that’s where the beauty begins (though I certainly don’t speak from experience). But it's a decision both have to make.

At present, I have about as many friends getting engaged or married as I have those getting their hearts broken. And, on both sides of that coin, I see everyone attempting to push towards a bigger goal. I don’t know which takes more courage – beginning a new life with someone you feel is the best person to tackle the remainder of your years with or getting yourself figuratively stomped on, dusting yourself off and attempting it all over again (be it with the one who did the stomping or a whole different person). Regardless, I don’t mind being a cheerleader in both corners – the to-be’s or the wannabes – especially considering I consistently find myself in that latter category.

It’s funny – I’m finding that the more you make the attempts, the more likely you are to misfire. Or, to be more black and white about it, the more times I put myself out there for someone else, the more likely I am to get rejected. I don’t know why that is, but it is. I don’t even know what compels us to making ourselves so absolutely vulnerable for another, really. Is it the possibility of it working and/or being responded to in a similar manner? Maybe.

After giving it some thought and reflection, I’d like to say there’s a reason for that rejection or that behavior, whichever it is. Fear is certainly a biggie. Maybe even an unwillingness to put yourself in a place where you can fail? I don’t know for sure. The romantic in me wants to decide that love might really conquer all odds (as the movies and songs and poets are wont to allow us to believe), but how does love get a word in edgewise if we don’t first allow it to blossom and grow? Why be so quick to not allow something like that to grow? It’s a refusal to try for something that might end up causing pain, I think. We don’t want to hurt. But do we overprotect our feelings at the risk of not attempting a very real possibility at happiness and joy?

I’m a muddle of questions and hypotheses, of course. Were I to get engaged to someone tomorrow, I might not even know what allowed it to happen. With each union, it’s going to end up differently. There may not even be any rights or wrongs in this game (ah, but is it a game?) of love. There are basics we can stick to, surely, like swallowing our pride, letting go of selfishness, being determined to forgive – those sorts of things. And that’s where the miracle of two comes in – two minds, two lives, possibly worlds apart from one another – united only in that decision to buck the odds and forge a path that might end up in a good, longlasting way.

And it is a miracle, don't misunderstand that; to consider it anything less is absolutely absurd.


Jules said...

I've long maintained that one of the greatest "mysteries of God" is how two seemingly random people choose to marry each other. My brain just does not comprehend it.

Wenna said...

Wow... It started with American Idol, and it ended with love... Hehe.. Nice post. :) Hmmm... Don't deny yourself to love... Experience it, and enjoy it. Even when there is pain, even when there is rejection, there's still something good that comes out of every experience. Commitment like marriage might be a big thing, but hey, lots of people made it through! It surely is a miracle when two people find each other amidst the million individuals in the planet... much more to decide to tie the knot, and be there for each other until the end... But sadly, it could also be a decision made out of security, financial stability, or fear of being left out and alone when everyone else have their own special partners... So it's important to listen to your heart, know each other well, and anticipate the possibilities. The reason behind deciding why we marry would greatly affect the actions and decisions that we'll be doing in the years to come. I guess when the reason's not strong and true enough, when problems arise (and they really would), marriage easily fails... But of course, maybe I'm just being too idealistic... :)

ewesa said...

here is a song for you to go along with your post- "Slow cook my heart"

aisy said...

thanks for this dainon... perfect time for me right now to read these words...

Anne said...

I've always thought that man + woman + liking each other at the same time = miracle.