Wednesday, March 07, 2007

For real.

I’ve been pretty messed up of late. I’m like Will Ferrell in that lovely movie where he screams out “I’m trapped in a glass case of emotion!” I’m at this rare point where I am losing hope in something I’d previously chalked up to faith and happenstance. I mean, if faith is the hope of things not seen, is its opposite to have a sure knowledge of seeing things as they really are? I’m no philosopher, but I feel like I’ve come to that point. And it feels like a dead end of sorts. I used to pride myself on being a realist, but now I’m not so sure it makes me so spitting happy to be one.

I’m not bemoaning anything. I’m not even depressed, per se. I don’t want to fold myself so readily into social situations very much lately and I’m pretty opposed to cleaning my kitchen, but there are no crocodile tears being shed here. Some days I am happy and some I’m really not. I may lack that constancy of mood, but the swings are starting to subside a bit now. And, yes, I have stopped writing poetry, but I think that’ll pick up again soon. It’s got to.

Eh, why beat around the bush? For the past few years, I’ve wanted to get married. I have. I’ve tried to date those I liked A LOT and abstained from the lukewarm ones. I’ve made a few stabs at relationships even, but nothing’s really panned out. You want something hard enough, it’s bound to happen – at least that’s what that mysterious ‘they’ is wont to say. Now, though? I’m not buying it. I’d like to punch ‘they’ in the teeth and call him a liar. I’m in the midst of a shift from having that kind of a desire to not wanting it all over again. It’s not something I expected would happen. And at my age, that kind of a decision could result in some lifelong effects. I’ll have to ride this one out and see.

The other funny thing I recall now – not funny ha ha, but worth a smirk – is how a good chunk of the other sex believe that we, simply being men, can decide we want that ‘M’ word to happen, wave our magic wands and it will become so. I have nothing against those who like to believe that way, but I tend to think it’s a lot of bunk. Just so’s you know.

There are still plenty of things I have hope and belief in. The future still amazes me on a regular basis. Seeing my niece run around tonight in the oriental getup I got her in Singapore, well, I’d like to see how she turns out as she gets older – I want to see every stage take place. I hope I can pursue an MFA, become a better writer and start putting my thoughts in book form. That’d be real nice. And, after eating at Yamato in Orem tonight, I believe that maguro sushi can be so good, it stops your tastebuds in their tracks.

What’s weird is that, well, I can’t believe in myself sometimes. I can believe what I feel and I can know what I know. But I’m not the type to keep knocking when “no” comes back at me too many times to count. I more akin to shrugging my shoulders and moving on to something else. Perhaps it’s high time I did so.

33 comments:

plainoldsarah said...

don't underestimate the power of agency. it's turned my life around a few times. and funny - the last great discovery of it i made while working on my english degree - i wrote a whole stinking piece about. life changing.

speaking of english - your writing a poem a day is good advice - i gave it to a student yesterday who came up after class and proclaimed she wants to be a writer and she asked me how to do it. being an english teacher does not make me an expert in that field - so i quickly quoted you. =) thanks!

p.s. my guess is that fear is the opposite of faith. it's paralyzing and faith is power to act.

Sarita said...

I often get caught in between fantasy and reality and the outcome is always the same....my dishes dont get done.

But it is true that fear is the opposite of faith. Knowing oneself is empowering. You can always work to progress, but cant force something thats not part of you, if only for the time being.

erinannie said...

I hate that I totally understand what you are saying here.

ewesa said...

maybe you are sabotoging yourself in some way. like, a behavior you have is getting in the way of true connection with one person. I realized a few months ago that there are things about the way I behave that make it inherently difficult to have a relationship. I read somewhere that counseling is not for certain people, it's for certain situations. so I decided it was the way to go for me, but here in seattle it seemed impossible to find someone who would understand the whole religion thing.
then the miracle happened- a retired marriage therapist needed a ride to church every week. I went to an enrichment meeting she was teaching (the only one I've gone to), and we became friends. now we talk every week while we're driving, and it is changing me.
faith won out, but it didn't fix me- it guided me to what would. hang in there.

ZLB said...

if i were in a baptist church and you were the preacher and this was your sermon i'd jump to my feet and give a resounding 'AMEN'! hawaii?

Dainon said...

Hawaii. Yes.

Cindy said...

I thought you proposed to me? What happened? I already had my wedding dress special made and thought up the invites.

heatherlynn said...

i'm just glad you're human. most people wouldn't even admit to feeling this way yet we all go through it. who cares about the dishes. do your thing, brother. your friends are always here.

and then marry cindy. she's hot.

Dainon said...

I didn't expect everyone to understand, but for those who do, you can't even know what this means to me. Thank you for hearing me when I didn't think I could be heard in the right light.

Wenna said...

That's sad... Kinda reminds me of the movie, The Bachelor. He knew he wanted to get married, but his mind's too preoccupied with other things, and romantic situations always turn against his favor... But in the end, he came out as a victor. "The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once." (Einstein) So I guess it will happen eventually... Keep your hopes up. For the meantime, do what you love doing. Write a poem, pursue an MFA, write a book.... Who knows, along the way, you'll meet that special someone.

Sherpa said...

Dainon, I wrote a reply last night but it got lost in cyberland. I think I understand where you're coming from, and maybe a little of what you're going through.

By your post, I know you'll be alright.

amelia said...

reading that is like reading my own mind sometime about six months ago. and it's no fun to feel that way. i'm sorry you do.

i don't know exactly what has changed for me. i do know that i got damn sick of feeling hopeless about getting what i want in my life. and i decided i would stop feeling hopeless. that while i could not control my immediate reactions to things (the sickening lurch of aloneness), i could control my extended reacions (which reactions often involved hopelessness, always loneliness, usually a certain degree of fear, and occasionally lots of tears--even crocodile ones). i've made a concerted effort to refocus my attention on beauty and happiness; on fulfillment and joy. i still get those flashes of grief for something i thought i would have but never have, but they don't develop into full blown emptiness.

the other thing i've realized is that i simply have to allow myself to be. just to be. no more attaching expectations to what i think i should be or what i think i was promised i would be. all i can do is let what i am flourish.

and, just so you know, i do not subscribe to the theory that men can simply make it happen. and i'm right with you on wanting to punch "they" in the teeth. in fact i recently blogged about a "they" who needed that punch and a lecture about how men can't simply go out and get married cause they will it to happen.

sorry to go on. just know that you're not alone in feeling the way you do. and that not all women are so callous towards single men.

SJ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SJ said...

Read Unhooked Generation. I interviewed the author. It's about the 20 and 30 somethings of today and why we're having such a hard time getting together. We have higher expectations, bigger checklists, and so many choices we keep waiting for that perfect one to come along. Then they don't, we realize we just need to find someone we like being around or have some good chemistry with and we finally settle later on, when it's almost too late to have kids. it's interesting.

SJ said...

ps you're still hot (so don't give up)

cropstar5 said...

i want to marry this post because you just wrote everything that's been in my head for the last few months... only more eloquently. thanks, christy

aisy said...

amen dainon. men can no more will marriage to happen than women. we have to just keep taking risks (regardless of how little we want to) and hope that one day it clicks. i'm glad you put your thoughts down. i haven't had the courage to write mine because i'm not sure how much sense they would actually make... or if i am prepared to feel that vulnerable

sugarcube said...

I'll find you a woman.

SJ said...

psychics would say it has to do with cosmic attraction...mystics would say you just haven't found your soul mate...certain church leaders would say just find someone with good values...I say chemistry, chemistry, chemistry (hence my tumultuous relationships)...what do you say?

Kipluck said...

Even though I am a girl, I have to say that we the "fairer" sex are really UNfair in acting like guys should just be able to MARRY when they decided to. Like you should just propose? To, what, some fill-in-the-blank? It has to be RIGHT whether you are asking or answering. We girls don't have the market cornered on that.

plainoldsarah said...

i think in the ensign article i read this morning elder nelson said "keep the commandments." i'm sure there was a bit more, but for some reason in my memory it seems as simple as that. ha!

Jefe said...

At the risk of not sounding like my usual a-hole-ness, you and I are in the same boat. And I thing you voiced my issues as well. People at are age stop relating to each other in a typical courting fashion. Somewhere between the 90's and 00's and mid 20's early 30's the whole definition of dating and courting changed. I understand, more than you know what you are going through. Also if I had a dollar for every time a girl has said "we can marry who we want" I would be the rich guy they want to marry. Everytime I try to buckle down and get serious with the girls, they get up and run for the hills. One gender can only be half the problem. I wish I could say it was gonna be fine. All I can say is I don't want to be 36 and still alone. I feel ya homie.

ewesa said...

not to sound trite, but if we all feel this way it must be society has changed and done something to us.

(ps- word verification= "prpwad". used in a sentence="give it back, you prpwad!")

dr_b_rock said...

well stated. I think one of my frustrations with those who have "won the game" (aka married people in positions of authority in church) is that they can at times act as though we just don't want marriage enough. Many of the single people I know, myself included, would love to find an eternity partner and are hurt by the idea that we must just not be trying hard enough. I like the idea of committing onself to a deep life and then seeing what happens. Also I second the idea that Cindy would make an excellent wife. If only she could be mine, sigh.

sugarcube said...

Like I said, I'll find you a woman.

Mikusan said...

This is why I need to run for bishop. I wasn't married until I was neigh unto 32 years old. I even went to Ricks!

I'd totally have sympathy for everyone.

SJ said...

Brutal honesty alert:

i'm an observer of men, of people in general, and as a girl in her later twenties i've been on plenty of dates to observe a few things about men and dating.

A man likes to date a lot of women before he settles down, but the paradox is you can't date a lot of women and expect a meaningful relationship out of it. You really have to be willing to get to know someone on a deeper level.

sugarcube said...

Way to ruin it, SJ.

SJ said...

i do what i can ;)

Dainon said...

Thanks for letting me express the thoughts that were on my mind (and they still gnaw away when I let them). Thanks as well for sharing your thoughts with me. And, though it's pretty near impossible for me to express gratitude for unwarranted advice when none was sought out, I believe you who did had your hearts in the right place. I even want to thank Lee for offering to find me a lady. I am a man full of thanks (and cold cereal, truth be known).

Online contacts you are, but I can still count you among my friends.

k8 said...

thanks for the post dainon. i feel like some of us have to walk this weird line of feeling pretty happy with our single selves but still needing the LDS world around us to know that we would totally like to be married. and that the being happy single thing doesn't mean we aren't "trying". i don't even know what that means really. I always assumed that if I lived my life and tried to be a good kid, I didn't need to be looking under every rock for a husband, that things would kinda work out in that department. I don't think you boys have it any easier than we do-maybe a touch more power when it comes to the actual asking but we have that "no" that is pretty powerful too.

anyway, i'm at a point where i'm having a hard time believing things i thought were promises about how my life would turn out. i'm hoping it's a phase though so i'm not going to get too bent about it. I'd rather train for a race or read more books or learn to play the guitar or something.

becky said...

amen!

lumina said...

wow, your blog is like a party...

how do you do that?

"And, though it's pretty near impossible for me to express gratitude for unwarranted advice when none was sought out, I believe you who did had your hearts in the right place."
kkkk, that's funny.

I met a guy for "coffee" the other day...an amazing man...who was into me till I told him the Mormon thing...and he broke up with me right there before we even got started. Aigo! That's twice in like 2 weeks now...It used to be me refusing to date them if they were not Mormon...