Sunday, June 24, 2007

Sometimes I get bored.

Dear Entertainment Weekly:

I appreciate the latest delve into Matthew McConaughey's sex appeal. Was it wholly necessary? Eh, not so much, but I appreciate it nonetheless. Christine Spines treads the line between old-fashioned objectivity and adoration of Matt's abs with the greatest of ease, after all (clap, clap). But what she never quite gets around to is the reason for his resurgence (though Owen hints at it with the sidebar next to his review): his hair! Somewhere along the line, he appears to have discovered the Peanut Butter Solution and, just like that, Matty got his groove/perm back. If I were a betting man, I'd say it happened somewhere between The Wedding Planner and How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days, though I can't be certain.

Me, I just wanted to hear him come clean on the whole shebang. Maybe he wanted to, but never got the chance to spill it. The Internet rumor train has been a-buzz for a long time now all about a hair transplant, though he never has appeared to say anything definitive about such. If the guy already considers his face to be handsome and his body well put together, then why not give props to the breath of life breathed into that golden mane of his? Mentioning the naked drumming for the umpteenth time has relevance, I suppose, but girls dig the curls. C'mon. Out with the secret already.

As for the male contingent of your readership, I'll go ahead and speak on behalf of the borderline follicle'ly-challenged heads in the audience and say, well, we wouldn't mind a product mention somewhere. Perhaps it could mean an infomercial in his future and several more million in his pocket. Just point us in the right direction and we'll cut out the guess-work and Google searches.

I promise to buy him a beer afterward. Hell, I'll even make it a six-pack.

Thanks in advance.


bestsariah said...

I can never get past his stumpy arms. They freak me out and ruin the rest of him. He's like a T-rex.

Laurie said...

That was VERY funny, Dainon! I hope they publish it. Oh please, oh please, oh please!!

Dainon said...

Ha. I wrote this a few months ago. I think I was too wordy and sarcastic for my own good. They've published me before, but only when I've been effusive with praise and written tight, 3-sentence paragraphs. Ah well. Glad you liked it ...

f*bomb. said...

Matthew McConaughey grosses me out. Seriously. Does ANYONE really think they're that gorgeous? Gag.

Marie said...

I'm with f*bomb there. There are some bad actors whose eye candy qualities I can fathom (Luke Wilson, Keanu), but any visual appeal Matty has is neutralized by his coy Scarlett-Johanssen-esque "oh, I'm really not so magnificent as everyone says I am" toss of the curls. Like chugging corn syrup.

Well snarked. I love a good letter to the editor.