Monday, July 02, 2007

I'll apologize for this later.

There was a bit of an inside joke my best friend and I would share when we were growing up, something that revolved around an ad he saw in the back of a magazine once. The ad spoke of remedying your chapped nipples with their amazing product. Barely 15 at the time, I could not even fathom why one’s nipples would become chapped. All the same, it became entirely common for us to ask one another, in a moment of silence, “So, are yer nipples chapped?” It was followed by hysterical laughter and then, well, we’d go back to talking about Wayne’s World or Cindy Crawford or whatever.

Flash-forward a few years now. Or, well, almost a couple decades. I’m just under three weeks away from my first half marathon, down in Southern Utah. This past Saturday, I ran a good 9 miles over at Liberty Park without passing out. On mile 8, I discovered that, yes, I had me some chapped nipples. What's worse, they were sore. If Doug had been around to witness that shocked realization, he’d have fallen over laughing. Me? Eh, not so much.

It’s not something I thought about much in my training for this race, truth be told. When my feet started to hurt, I went out and dropped almost $100 for some new running shoes (and even more for some fancy inserts). While I was there, I got some swanky pajama-looking shorts with biker shorts on the inside (stops chafing in its tracks), a visor to soak up my abundance of forehead sweat and a few pairs of the short socks. They took me for over $200 before I left, but I wrote it all off as a good investment. Not in a-million years did I think to ask for something to keep my nipples supple. Never crossed my mind.

I didn’t once consider asking other runners on the track, either, mostly because I’m absolutely certain it’s not the best way to start up small talk, even among the weird Liberty Park regulars. First off, it’s hard enough to talk to anybody when you’re panting and coughing like a wheezy asthmatic, but asking a question like “So, do you use Chap-Stick on your nips?” would prolly go down as one of the world’s worst icebreakers in history. That, and it'd likely get you dropkicked as well.

Since this unfortunate discovery, I’ve heard a myriad of solutions. Tape is one. Vaseline is another. And there’s some product Chris has started to use called Body Glide that supposedly works like a dream. I can’t imagine taping the more sensitive parts of my chest down, considering they’d become even more sensitive once they were torn off (chest hair is my boon to bear). And Vaseline just sounds, well, gross. Glide may be the solution, then, though Chris isn’t up for sharing his. He told me that before I even thought to ask. He must think it’s like I’m asking to borrow his boxer shorts or something, but I’m okay with that. I will own my own, and fairly soon at that.

On Mile 8, however, I had none of those things. What I had was pain. In that moment, I realized why runners run without their shirts on. I know because, in short order, I became one of those runners. And, I’m not going to lie, that wind felt great ... even on my you-know-whats.


Price said...


I'll be more patient next time. Just use climbing tape. It works wonders and you can just get it wet to take it off. I'll hook you up.

I highly advise against personal lubricants . . . for that type of activity anyway. Now if myspace spouts any good prospects, run and get some body glide.

(excellent use of the word "dropkick")

farrah said...

Bag Balm. For teats.

We use it on the farm for cows, and it kinda SMELLS like a barn, but I bet it works. I use it on cuts, scrapes, and blisters, and it works like a dream.

Do girls have this issue, too?...Nevermind. Nobody answer that, please. It's bad enough I know about Dainon's nipples. I don't want to know anything about anyone else's either.

Cindy said...

I know some breastfeeding women put lettuce on their boobs when they start to crack. Maybe you could put lettuce on your man-boobs.

bestsariah said...

They sell special nipple-type chapstick for breastfeeding women. Maybe I still have some around here somewhere.

The lettuce though...that's for when you're engorged with milk. Has that started happening too?

Crystalbell said...

This post was quite entertaining, thanks for the good hearty chuckle.

Lasinoh cream (for breastfeeding mothers works wonders). Also, I know some women that use Bag Balm and swear by it, but I've never tried it.

Hope you feel better soon.

Dainon said...

Luckily, I have no man-boobs to speak of. I barely have a chest, period. And, last time I checked, I wasn't lactating, either. Just a lil tanktop rubbage is all. Thanks for the tips, though, all you mommies (or those that are close 'n personal friends 'o mommies). I'll have to give this Bag Balm a shot and hope I don't smell like manure. None of this lettuce bikini action, though. Never ever gonna happen.

tim & brandi said...

Who'd of thought I'd get so much breastfeeding advice from reading the comments on this post. I'm taking notes. But Dainon, I just cleaned out my bathroom and found a jar of Vaseline and could not figure out why I had it... Tim reminded me it was for the last marathon I ran, which was obviously way too long ago. Girls get chapped too, but it's more an arm/leg issue and not so much a nipple issue. I say run without a shirt, it's your birthright!


Sherpa said...

Oy, I've chapped my nipples running more times than I'd like to admit in highschool...and I'm a girl. I remember doing the vaseline thing. Painful!

Amanda said...

This is hilarious! How have I gone nearly 30 years without EVER hearing of anyone having chapped nipples?!

I feel deprived...

melissa said...

That body glide stuff works wonders. Tri'ers use it for everything (nipples, legs, armpits - you name it someone chaps there), but especially for the swim (wetsuits chap like no ones business). Unfortunately in my nervousness I forgot it at IMAZ and ended up with a neck that looked like something from a zombie movie. But yes, when you remember to use it body glide rocks.

f*bomb. said...

I didn't even know women got chapped; I thought the sports bra took care of that!...Just another good reason why I will never run more than 7 miles. (shudder.)