Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Have camera, will snap.

When the Great Hard Drive Crash of 2007 happened a few days ago, I was relegated to using the designer's computer for half a day after he left for the day. He gets a huge screen on his machine and it's got lots of bells and whistles on it that mine does not. After just a few hours of exploring and attempting to accomplish my responsibilities on it, I'm fairly certain I would accomplish nothing productive if it were mine. I mean, his has a awesome function called Photo Booth. That alone would keep me incredibly busy having myself some F-U-N. Observe:

This is me doing my best impression of either Sloth from The Goonies or Popeye, just after visiting the dentist. Maybe there's some Jay Leno in there, too, eh? Notice how Clint's face physically fears mine. Not only is it completely backing away from my enormous jaw, his worried eyes say, "Save me."

Here Clint is offering his retaliation for my nearly having sucked his head into my mouth in the first exhibit. His form of defense? A headbutt. 90% head, 10% face. Because his tiny doll-face of a mouth is smiling into my shoulder, however, my face, while grotesque and made of Silly Putty, does not fear the Albino Bobble-Head. It is unworried in its Picasso-like state. My expression says, "In your dreams, honky."

While Clint's half of this photo has been dramatically altered, mine has not. My ears really are that small. Everybody notices, this sadly. When I turn 80, they'll finally look like they're 33 years of age. Moving on.

My superpower, you ask? Check out those Osmond chompers and ask again, quick nuts. I dare you. My mouth is barely open here (caught in a half-yawn, I was), but you should see my mouth wide open. Only then am I properly displayed. I will bring you down. I will chew a hole through whatever you place in my path. Rabbits have nothing on me. These things put even Ginsu knives to shame. You best check yourselves.

Best for last, yes. This is the one where Clint says we look like old pumpkins. I cannot disagree on a fine observation like that one. To that, I will add a couple of my own: 1) He's a cartoon mafioso, owning up to the best Elvis sneer this side of Texas, 2) He should have saved the headbutt for now. I mean, seriously, lookit the size of that brow. Talk about the brow-beating you could deliver with that thing. He coulda been a boxer ... he coulda been a contender! 3) My sideburns rule. Neil Young sees them and cowers. 4) With that fine smear of a nose, I could have been an extra on The Dark Crystal, maybe even scoring some sweet Gelfling love on the side and 5) I want to wear this face as a mask for Halloween this year. Watch for me. I'll be the one cluching—and forever licking—a massive sucker.


plainoldsarah said...

this is one of the things i miss about not having co-workers sitting by me. that looks like a ton of fun!

f*bomb. said...

Of all the things one can do on computers nowadays, this is top of the charts for creepiness. I don't know how funhouse mirrors go from being funny/embarassing to downright scary if it's in a photo, but for some reason, it does. Yours, however, are actually pretty funny. Sloth. That was good.

Dainon said...

I'm funny? Really? I was aiming for creepy.

Funhouse mirrors tend to be temporary in nature (i.e. your image is constantly changing) whereas a photo doing the same thing tends to lend some permanency to the whole thing. Like when your mom told you your face may, in fact, "stay like that". And then it does. And no mom-apologizing in the world can put your face right again.

Still. Awesome.

Angie said...

It's possible I am in love with dainon in picture #5. I am not sure what it is- it's either love or just nausea.

Dainon said...

Love is nausea sometimes. At least that's what South Park has taught me.

tim & brandi said...

This is a fine example of why I love Apple Computers.