Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Today's Home Remedy: Cell Phone Survival.

I blame Colin Farrell. If it weren’t for his concentrated lack of expression throughout his New World, maybe I’d have stayed awake through more than half of the movie. Maybe. He, coupled with writer/director Terrence Malick, made for some kind of double whammy of near-immediate sleep in me. I was powerless where they had power. Yes, they are to blame. Had I not fallen asleep, chances are I’d have been much more alert when I’d woken up to answer the call of nature just after midnight. Chances are even greater I wouldn’t have attempted to read a text message on my phone at the same time.

As it stands, I, in my Colin-induced stupor, did both. I released an abnormally long pee, following things up with flipping open my flip phone. It flipped open so hard and fast, however, that my fingers couldn’t keep up with its acrobatics—it did a double backwards flip straight into my toilet. This is where being so incredibly tired worked to my advantage. Had I been in my right mind, chances are very good I’d have been more hesitant to save my phone from its recesses. Instead, I completely disregarded the sad fact I hadn’t taken a scrub brush to it in weeks and grabbed it from its still-unflushed depths.

I thought my phone was done for. It flickered its last goodbye as I took it apart to dab at its insides and lay it all out in front of the fan. This is where networking came in handy: the best friend of a friendly friend revealed to me, in passing, the secret of cell phone CPR. I told her my plight and she, in turn, showed me the way.

“Stick it in the oven at 125 for five hours,” she said. “It’ll be as good as new.”

There was no reason for me to believe her. On the flipside, there was no reason for me not to. I mean, she’d fed me pot roast and instant potatoes the night before, swearing both were delicious, and she’d told the truth about that. And, well, I was a desperate man. Where would I be without my ability to send and receive text messages? A lost soul is what. I took the plunge.

I placed my cell phone on a cookie sheet set on WARM for a good three hours before I took it out. And, lo and behold, it lived and breathed all on its own again. It didn’t work completely right that afternoon—I had to really attack some numbers to get them to follow through—but I had taken it out early, after all. It was underdone.

This morning, then, I completed the process. I gave it two more hours in the oven, as I’d been instructed. Now, well, it’s as if it’d never taken a dip. And I’ve got a new home remedy to pass on to those who have eyes to see and ears to hear. Learn it, love it, pass it on to your unfortunate friends at the appropriate times.

Just try not to think of the traces of urine on my phone when I’m pressing it to my ear. I’ve nearly done the same.


Krispy said...

That reminds me of reading "Hints from Heloise" in the comics when I was little.

pPhone. Gross.

bestsariah said...

You found a way to pee in your own ear. Neat!

Instant potatoes are yummy.

Anne said...

I read this while on a conference call at work and laughed out loud. Luckily I'm on mute. That was a close one!

I'm totally bookmarking this entry in the event I unintentionally decide to baptize my cellphone.

Angie said...

You said that you couldn't remember if you had peed first or dropped the phone in first. I see now you were just trying to save face. You knew all along your phone was baked with urine.

Dainon said...

Leave me and my Uriphone alone.

ewesa said...

sadly I can picture this whole series of events. what if it made it like a shrinkydink, and when you took the phone out it was miniaturized? then it'd fit your tiny ears! maybe another hour or so.

aisy said...

oh my... please tell me you tried to disenfect the phone as well. this really makes me cringe and laugh and cringe.

um, didn't you have a phone fiasco already this year?

plainoldsarah said...

it reminded me of the photo you took on the toilet. phones and bathrooms don't always go well together but i sure appreciate the tip - i just love knowing things.

Dainon said...

Yes, aisy, I did ... sortof. My last phone bit the dust when I decided to take it to the jacuzzi with me. Oopsy.

Dainon said...

And, by the way, if anybody sees (or has seen, perish the though) The New World, don't bother with telling me the ending. I have moved past caring.

tim & brandi said...

Great story of tagedy and conquest. It's as if you were actually living The New World. I tend to be a big fan of the flavor that sea salt brings out in baked goods. I'm curious if urea accomplishes the same thing.

Your story really just reconfirms two moral stances that I have. 1. Don't EVER buy a flip phone.
2. Always sit down. It's cleaner and now I know it's also more safe.


Trude said...

is that the american version of a wet willy ??

Trude said...

ugh sometimes you hit the enter key and think .. why did I just type that ..

The Carrie Collection said...

Alright. I'm going to try it. What have I got to lose? Especially after I yelled at the powerless sales associates at the Sprint store. I'll let you know how the Katana fares in the oven. I'm going to put it in right after I'm done with my oatmeal bread. Want some?