Monday, November 05, 2007

Why it's good to be a cop: a visual tutorial

One needn't fear the law. Take it from me, a wee one who used to cry in the presence of his copper granddad. Based on the fact he represented The Man, had a badge and likely shot whomever he pleased, he scared the living crap out of me. It's something I eventually got over. Living as a cop for an entire day and night, I learned that cops—and the posers that dress up like them—can have themselves some fun, too. I mean, did we learn nothing from Super Troopers? Meow? Allow me to lay out a few of the better parts of being a cop.

1. They get the coolest low maintenance haircuts known to man. Scout out the right barber shop and you can score a flat top for just $10. You might have endure a scary woman who never really forgives you for doubting her ability to tackle a flat top in the first place. You may also have to put up with her raking a brush over your head so hard the tears well up while she goes on and on about dressing up like one of the Village People the next day but, in the end, it's worth it. Just like that, you'll resemble Jim Carrey from Me, Myself & Irene.

2. French maids dig authority. They bare shoulders for a cop and show off their legs in fishnet stockings. They even put on lipstick. Just another perk of the job, it is.

3. Once in a while, sooner than you can scream "Rodney King!", a photo like the above one can make certain respectable men laugh so hard, they're absolutely unable to talk. And they do so every single time they see you during the course of an 8-hour business day. Even in the bathroom. See? Cops make people happy!

4. A handcuffed Keiko is a happy Keiko. Just look at that beaming smile and try to deny it. Also, if you run into a group of women from Japan, they will most assuredly take multiple photos with a copper, rattling off Japanese most of the time, but squeezing the word "sexsicop" plenty, too. And you learn to understand that word.

5. Cops can squeeze themselves in with the most diverse of crowds. To find a cop hanging out with a raspy mime, a red-haired Amish dude trying to pass himself off as Abe Lincoln, a half-dead vampire-bitten girl in a nightgown and Tommy Lee is not uncommon. Having a mustache resembling an upside down comb, however, is.

6. Sometimes a billy club is a cop's only form of protection. Especially when his gun is actually too big to fit into his holster all that well (a job drawback, for sure). When angels of the night creep up from the shadows, it's good to maintain a calm composure, while fully prepared to whack him on the noggin should he get out of line with his ridiculous dance moves. A cop is always, always prepared.

7. Cops attract hot cops. They don't even have to know one another's names to want to take photos together.

8. Little kids dig cops, no matter how much they pretend they like Skittles more. They don't make a single comment about how short your shorts are. They show no signs of jealousy at your Velcro shoes. And they're willing and able to create as many Kodak moments as you care to.


Daisy Paige said...

If only all cops had such nice legs. I'd get pulled over on purpose.


tim & brandi said...

What I loved about your post:
Anything that reminds me of the "Hot Cops" episode of Arrested Development and "lessons on why we don't teach leasons", is a reason to celebrate.

What disappointed me about your post:
-No actual reference of aforemented AD episode, opting instead for Jim Carrey...
-Fake stache. You're a hairy man, plan ahead.
-Dallas' decision not to dress up for Halloween.

Veronica said...

Um...I think I saw you at ward's...had no clue it was you...

f*bomb. said...

The little chick in the last picture shares the exact same expression as I do right now.

aisy said...

um, wow, it was a very inventive, yet slightly creepy costume! i like that you actually wore short shorts.

Ashley said...

I'm afraid, but impressed that your costume tradition continues.

Sara said...

I like best that your left eye is looking very much to the left in the car picture.

plainoldsarah said...

the last picture was worth all the others. i'm glad it was captured.

ps - everyone has been asking me who the cop was at my party. you were a hit! they also ask about the larger man in a suit carrying around a bag of ties and making inappropriate comments. maybe he was a hit too.

Marie said...

Oh, the guy who kept asking girls if they wanted to be tied up? He was not a hit with our crowd. Creep.

Dainon. said...

Daisy: My legs thank you. Both of 'em.

Tim: You applaud the reminder, but not the sacrifice? I'm hurt. Lookit that hair, my friend. Also, a fake mustache only adds to the absurdity of Hot Cops everywhere. See the Beastie Boys' video "Sabatoge" for proof.

Veronica: I was hiding behind my badge.

Farrah: That look is one I've become familiar with. Welcome to the "What IS that?" club. There's room for you here.

Aisy: I'm all for turning up the creep factor, Halloween or no.

Asher Lev: BOO!

Sara: Ever seen Young Frankenstein? That Igor character and I share the same kinda eyes. But only when I shoot at the right angle.

Ward: I hope you told everybody I was a real live cop. I sorry if I scared whatshisname with my legs. If I ever wear those shorts again, I'll tan in advance.

Marie: Tie Man was no friend of mine. I was packing heat that night, though. Shoulda just said the word.

plainoldsarah said...

yes, in retrospect i wish i'd confronted tie man. there's no point in having someone like that upsetting the party. besides dainon and his legs i did have a real like fbi agent there who really does carry heat and really could have taken care of him if necessary. sorry marie! and others.

ZLB said...

serious man thigh. serious.

Cindy said...

I think your legs might even be better than mine, it's a toss up.

That is a really cute chicken and a really cute Mary Poppins.