Thursday, January 24, 2008

IHOP, you are my scapegoat.


I was the recent victim of what they refer to as “impulse advertising”.

Took a different way home the other day and there it was—the blessed IHOP. International House of Pancakes. Flapjack haven. Not only was it boasting that it was now open 24 hours a day, but it was also bragging about its All-You-Can-Eat pancake deal for a mere $4.99. What do I automatically think to myself? Oh, something along the lines of, “Self, you can eat 14 pancakes with six different syrups at 4 in the morning!” Why? Because it would make too much sense to eat that many at 9 A.M.

That night then, after a particularly spectacular evening of snowshoeing by the light of a full moon, I returned, with Chris and Johanna in tow. Still in my snow pants and suspenders and looking like a fireman, even. I learned, in short order, that you got two eggs and hash browns with that same under-$5 deal. You could even get two slabs of pig on the side for an extra 2 bucks! Sign me up! Because it was around 10:30 at night and because I’ve learned the value of portion control, however, I stopped after two eggs (fried, over hard), a smattering of hash browns (well done) and, oh, about four pancakes, a couple dollops of creamy butter and some brightly-colored syrup. IHOP had proven itself worthy. It’d done me in. Filled me up to just before the point of feeling sick and I was happy because of it.

Only problem is, well, the night of "sleep" that followed. Put that stuff in your gut before bedtime and you suffer the consequences. Now, I was mostly okay with waking up with a headache. But, Tuesday night, the three piranhas I once had as pets came back to life. They returned from the garbage can I had laid them to rest in, only to prove that they were never really dead in the first place. Fact, they were just feeding on garbage, mutating and growing the whole time, discovering they could live without being in water or without me tossing tiny little goldfish into their tank. They’d come back with fins they could walk on in a retarded kind of circular way, they were much, much bigger, had long lips, more menacing teeth and, oh yeah, THEY WANTED TO EAT MY FEET OFF. Because I like to wear flipflops and such, I kept my feet away from them as long as I possibly could. They’d circle towards my toes and I’d move away, repeatedly, finally waking myself up in some kind of crazy fright. I never have those kinds of dreams. Never ever.

Feeling adventurous? Now, for $4.99, you can have them, too.


10 comments:

Jillian said...

That commercial has nearly sucked me in a time or two over the past couple of weeks. If it weren't for the piranhas, I would give in to the urge.

Sara said...

I am confused about your egg order. You ordered one "over easy" and one "over hard"? Or do you call "over hard" eggs "over easy hard"?

I need answers, but I don't really know why.

And I added quotation marks to my sentence because without them it was nearly impossible to understand. Try it. It's an adventure!

Dainon. said...

I fixed it, I think. But, really, you were supposed to be focusing on the scary, feet-eating fish. Eggs may confuse, but they give you reasons to stop wearing shoes altogether.

ck said...

hilarious! i once had a similar experience when i ate about ten pickles right before bed. dreamed i was walking on the beach and ended up drowning in a tidal wave of cool whip. talk about scary

plainoldsarah said...

i too needed egg clarification - thanks!
sounds like a horrible dream. i had a bad one last night - just a typical teacher dream, though, no flesh eating monsters. but i think it was due to my late night dinner of bbq pizza.

Melanie said...

Unfortunately, late night food doesn't give me weird dreams, just indigestion.

I feel like I'm missing out on something.

The Carrie Collection said...

It was worth it and you know it! I heart IHOP!

Sara said...

I focused on the fish this time. Scary!

Thanks for your help with the eggs.

aisy said...

my pops once made the extreme mistake of ordering steak and eggs at ihop. no scary dreams but an unpleasant day. i questioned his sanity in food choice... i mean, steak and eggs at any place is nasty BUT ihop?

bjean said...

The better the food...the stranger the dream.