Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Maid to order.

A problem exists in hiring someone you know to act as a maid in your home, however infrequently you might actually do it. At the time, it always, always seems that paying someone to clean your toilets is a better idea than your actually doing it yourself. You think that hiring a person you know means nothing will be stolen from your place of residence in the process; your conscience, for the most part, is clear. What you don't account for, however, is the unexpected commentary that comes along with the cleaning process. This is something to consider, however. Before you go into such a venture, you must develop a thick skin. You must be resilient. You must do all in your power to develop a highly admirable sense of apathy.

Let the following text messages serve as a warning to you, dear reader, should you venture into this unexpected realm. They have been edited either for clarity or to protect those parties involved. Remember, though, to take these words to heart. This caution comes from one who knows, after all:

"I have gagged 4 times tonight. You are gross."

"Okay, so it's going to take me longer than I expected. It's gross. I'm surprised you're not sick."

"[clarifying the gross factor] Not you, just your place. The science project in your kitchen, for one. So much mold on your plates. Also, I discovered a box of chocolates so old, the bugs that had been eating them were dead."

"I'm saying this out of love, but you need to change some habits. No grown man should have mold in his kitchen."

"Oh, and I took a CD."

Eh, so much for that clear conscience nonsense.

14 comments:

DJ said...

I'm so proud how my older brother lives. Its just so reassuring. :)

The McGuffin said...

Ah the life of a bachelor...I know it well. Just tell her it's a very important, government sponsored penicillin project. I'm sure she'll understand...

tim & brandi said...

No wonder you're not married... ;)

~b

Mellie said...

Ha! She is clever. Quite clever. "The bugs that had been eating it are dead." I love it.

ck said...

the feminist in me is offended that everyone assumes your housekeeper is a she. but then i remember that i'm not much of a feminist so it doesn't really bother me and she probably really is a she because any normal guy would have brushed the bugs off and eaten the chocolate.

Dainon. said...

DJ ... brotherly pride is the best kind. Beam away.

McGruff Dawg ... I'm not certain she ever did, but at least she didn't vomit, right? Gagging without vomiting is a big plus.

Brandi ... there are many, many more reasons to add to that book of 'em. But we shant discuss what has been hashed and re-hashed.

Mellie ... if only she had NOT been describing the exact truth of what she discovered. Moral: Don't go cleaning the area on top of the TV stand. What exists there is there for a reason. It is the Forgotten Land.

ck ... I do not have, nor have I ever had, a manny. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Sara said...

You're lucky she still wants to be your friend.

Moonbird said...

I am LAUGHING so hard...

Dainon. said...

Well, I've got friends in low places. I'm not sure what that means. My friends, however, are all kindsa amazing.

thefish said...

Gee, it feels just like yesterday that I witnessed this very phenomena. Um, and not only was there penicillin for the whole flippin' country in just your crock pot, but you were cooking a pie for your family in that very kitchen! I couldn't sit on the couch before adios-ing the kitchen growth before it got me. I think that is why the fish died.

Yes, there are many things to be proud of...but really? really, D?

Jillian said...

I wonder how Merry Maid's would fair if they were allowed too offer a running commentary.

I'm sure it is more expensive, but there is something to be said for anonymity.

amberlynn said...

Sick!

Dainon. said...

Sick? No, no, cuz. I feel like a-million dollars. Sorry you're feeling under the weather, tho.

lil' bohemian said...

It's nice to know some things never change ...