Sunday, April 20, 2008

Dear Sam Rockwell,

First off, I just wanted to apologize for following you around the other day. I mean, it’s not what it may have seemed like. It both was and wasn’t. I mean, I don’t specialize in grocery store stalking. But, all the same, we don’t get many celebrities trying to filter themselves in with the locals here.

I forget what day of the week it was right now, but it was over in the Whole Foods supermarket sometime last week and it was snowing like crazy outside. Yes, in April. I think I was the only one to spot you, ambling in with your messy hair and smug smile that almost gave you away right then and there (it didn’t, but the too nice for your wardrobe sneakers almost did the trick). It’s just too bad I’m not a National Enquirer paparazzi photographer and that you’re not as notorious as Brit-Brit because, you know, I could be a little richer right now.

Okay, so I’d forgotten what your name was at the time, though I swear it was on the tip of my brain. I figgered that, the longer I kept following you through the fresh bread and California rolls and do-it-yourself salads, it might come to me. It didn’t. I even asked a couple of the vest-wearing employees if they recognized you or if they knew what your name was, but they were high. That, or they just didn’t know your face. Or the back of your head. You weren’t much for making eye contact, after all. Perhaps that’s something you pick up naturally after x amount of movies, yeah?

The cashier thought—after my awkward description and all—that you may have been that dude from Party of Five, since he lives somewhere in the neighborhood, but I killed all that noise real quick.

I knew you were in a new movie called Snow Angels. Knew that. Loved you in Matchstick Men and (deep breath) The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford as well. What I really wanted to tell you, though, was not that I loved the full body of your work (even though I do, all that I have seen anyway). It’s that you were the reason I watched Galaxy Guest over ‘n over ‘n over again. You made that movie. Stole it right out from under that schlub of an actor Tim Allen. For comedic timing, you deserve an A+ all the way. Four friggin star performance. Still, I thought you might be offended that that was the movie I bring up, it being something you did, what, 10 years ago now? So I kept my mouth shut.

It wasn’t until two phone calls and some IMDB database searching later that I learned you’re in town to shoot a movie with Jared and Jerusha Hess, the very same couple that gave us the phenomenon that was Napoleon Dynamite. Given their dry humor and your goofy grin—not to mention the fact Jennifer Coolidge is going to be in it—Gentlemen Broncos is sure to be a runaway hit. Prepare yourself now. This is your pat on the back from me for going the right direction.

Oh, and I stood around awkwardly by the front to see if I could grab a final glance that might trigger my memory, but I think you got lost in the cereal aisle. I had to get because, well, that organic cottage cheese was calling my name. Maybe this letter will get to you somehow and you'll understand, though, right? Keep keepin' it real.


Alisa said...

Jemaine Clement from Flight of the Conchords is going to be in that movie too. That's gonna be a gotta-see.

plainoldsarah said...

you've got a sharp eye. lucky!

f*bomb. said...

He steals EVERY scene! A Midsummer Night's Dream (a bit part, but SO effective) and the best villan Charlie's Angels have EVER seen...I mean, is it so WRONG that I was attracted to him as a geek, but then SUPERturnedon when he's a breakdancing guido who likes the Sizzler?