Wednesday, July 06, 2011

If I spoke bird.

I'm not a pet owner. I'm not around enough to have a bulldog and, lately, I'm chasing big, lazy Morris the Cat types off of my patio chairs like a crochety old man, so it's just as well. What I do have on my back patio, however, is an upside down bucket that I dump a cup of wild birdseed on every day or two. I wasn't sure if they'd show up or not, but I felt like giving it a go and, I kid you not, my birdseed brings all the birds to the yard.

I get blue jays and cardinals mostly. While I'm not an avid bird watcher (not the binocular and safari shorts variety, anyway), I do know when these birds show up for a bit of breakfast or dinner because they end up announcing their arrival. Sometimes they continue with that announcing (bunch of squawking that they manage to do with their beaks relatively full) all through their meal and/or snack.  In fact, they can't shut up about it.

I don't speak bird but, if I did, I've a few ideas on what it is they're getting across out back.
2. "So, uh, half naked guy eating a bowl of LIFE and watching us, 10 'o clock. Man, that's disgusting. If I can keep all these bits of millet down having to look at that for the next two minutes straight, I'm going to surprise myself in the process."
3. "Cat! Cat! Cat! thisisdelcious Cat!"
4. "Oh, I just love what he's done with the splash of rain water this time around. This is just gourmet gorgeous. Created a little gravy in the middle is what he did. So delightfully moist and chewy."
5. "O, great wise bucket of the porch! We come to you in humble birdsgiving! Long may we praise and squawk and visit you with our incredibly silly slackjawed beaks! May you continue to provide us your golden bits and pieces."
6. "Seriously, what have I said about dropping your nasty bird droppings where you eat? Bill, was that you again? Don't think I don't know this is one of yours."
7. "I so just swallowed a feather."
8. "Dude, do you smell possum? Armadillo? Totally doing a number on my allergies."
9. "Can't eat the whole thing, but it's not going to finish itself. Can't sit here all day, but can't fly away anymore, either. Nomnomnomsquawknom."

But, again, what do I know? I don't speak bird. I'm just, you know, spitballin' over here.


H. Brown said...

i watched a robin hop around my porch all of june. they're such fun little creatures! thanks for the laugh, and way to contribute to bird welfare. i also love LIFE cereal. cinnamon.

Jayne said...

3 years on the GSL Bird Festival committee and boy, I'll tell you about birders! BUT, then you start to invite and watch the little creatures, and suddenly you're dreaming up bird language - I get it!